i'm sitting here and i'm thinking really
hard but i can't seem to remember
anything that happened yesterday
i must have slept for an hour
i must have slept for three days
i think there were girls with
painted faces at that party
and so many endless rooms where
i found you again and again
always wearing that same dress
the dress i spilled red wine on
and the fabric never stopped bleeding
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with Sohini, you need to capitalize your 'I's. I noticed some other grammatical mistakes. But mainly I think your poem doesn't sound too poem-ish...?
All your verses are too much like sentences. I think it would help if you take out some unnecessary words. Make your verses phrases not sentences.
This is what you wrote:
i'm sitting here and i'm thinking really
hard but i can't seem to remember
anything that happened yesterday
i must have slept for an hour
i must have slept for three days
i think there were girls with
painted faces at that party
HOW ABOUT:
Sitting here, thinking really hard,
But I can't seem to remember,
Anything that happened yesterday,
Must have slept for an hour,
Must have slept for three days,
I think there were girls,
With painted faces at that party.
etc.
What do you think? It really is up to you.
The poem is a bit confusing but it's because the poet was confused and was trying to show confusion in the poem...? You were trying to recall the events of last night...because you were confused about last night. Am I right?
'the dress i spilled red wine on
and the fabric never stopped bleeding' Love that last line!
keep writing
-icy.
Firstly, Capitalize the "I"s it's disturbing when they're not in a literary work.
Next, puntuate your works, that'll make it easier for the reader to go through it the way youi want to.
Now, this poem is confusing. I couldn't figure out what it was trying to convey or what theme you had in mind while writing this.
The verses do sound like lines out of a storyy rather than a poem, maybe you should re-phrase them.
And do write the title in title case.
Sorry for the harsh critique.